Although we were thinking about the future, the truth is it is not going to work out with the three of us. Collectively we have different ideas of what we want.
I try to take everything I go through as a learning experience. Relationships teach things. I’ve learned a lot from this relationship. Most importantly, I learned what I want, and equally what I don’t want.
Defining ones boundaries doesn’t come without trial and error. I tried to be honest about the development of my feelings along the way. It is hard, though, to try and tell someone you just don’t feel the same way about them that they do about you. I was honest, though, and tried to maintain a level of care while also not fully letting myself get caught up in any one emotion.
I just wasn’t feeling it for her though. And further than that, I wasn’t feeling it for her in part because that is not what I want at all. I already have a love. A deep, understanding, nurturing, lovely love. I don’t feel the need to find and nurture another love.
I do, however, feel a great desire to explore my sexuality and sensuality. And to help my love do the same. I think the journey we are on goes beyond just sex, but seeing in ourselves what others see in us, sharing in the passion around us, drawing pleasure from life, and teaching ourselves and teaching others how we can respect ourselves and each other while exploring life freely. Which is in part what attracted me to her in the first place. That was what she offered. But then she developed feelings.
I wish all of these thoughts would have come clearer and faster. It would have lessened the confusion… but nothing good comes easy right?
But then that brings me to defining what is it that I actually want. Well, I’ve come up with this so far:
- I want to continue to nurture and develop the beautiful love that my husband and I share.
- I want to continue to be open to the world around me and be open to relationships with others.
- I want to be honest and clear to any future partners for either of us that our relationship is the core and central pillar, and anything else we engage in together is only when it is mutually beneficial to all involved.
- I want to encounter new people and find those sensual connections and explore new passions and fun.
- I want to see the me others see and wear it outside myself proudly and accepting of who I am.
- I want to give honesty and receive honesty.
- I don’t want to hold anyone back, least of all myself.
- I don’t want to just follow along like I so often do.
- I don’t want to get caught up in other peoples emotions and forget the things that I truly want for me.
- I don’t want to be cruel or harmful or be treated cruelly or brought harm upon myself either.
- I don’t want to lessen the loving and trusting bond my husband and I have by allowing someone else to pull focus from either of us away from one another.
- I don’t want to just casually hook up all the time either, but in situations when friends are all hanging out and moods are right, I don’t want to hold myself or my husband back from enjoyable experiences.
- I don’t want to worry so much about what others think of me but rather what I think of myself.
This all seems such a turn around from my last post. I re-read it and feel strange about the place I was in when I wrote it. I don’t regret the things we were trying to do, but I also realize now that what I thought I wanted is different than that. I wish I hadn’t hurt anyone. It really wasn’t my intention. I try to really be honest about all of my feelings.
These feelings of fear about committing again to another person really began to persist in me and I don’t think I was prepared. Some of it came out the other day when I made a comment to her about flirting with someone at work. To be fair it was only a joke. I thought I could make this joke because she knew I found this person to be particularly attractive. She became a bit upset at me about it. I tried to explain my joking but the more I had to explain, the more I became annoyed that she would be so jealous. I felt like she met me as a married, non-monogamous and now here she was trying to tell me that I wasn’t supposed to have eyes for anyone but her, or my husband. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t want to be trapped.
Hopefully she still wants to be my friend. I value her opinions and company over most… I would hate to lose all of that. I want her to be truly happy and to have what she wants and deserves. I just don’t think I am the one who can give it to her. I guess we will just see what happens…