Things aren’t always what we think.

Although we were thinking about the future, the truth is it is not going to work out with the three of us. Collectively we have different ideas of what we want.

I try to take everything I go through as a learning experience. Relationships teach things. I’ve learned a lot from this relationship. Most importantly, I learned what I want, and equally what I don’t want.

Defining ones boundaries doesn’t come without trial and error. I tried to be honest about the development of my feelings along the way. It is hard, though, to try and tell someone you just don’t feel the same way about them that they do about you. I was honest, though, and tried to maintain a level of care while also not fully letting myself get caught up in any one emotion.

I just wasn’t feeling it for her though. And further than that, I wasn’t feeling it for her in part because that is not what I want at all. I already have a love. A deep, understanding, nurturing, lovely love. I don’t feel the need to find and nurture another love.

I do, however, feel a great desire to explore my sexuality and sensuality. And to help my love do the same. I think the journey we are on goes beyond just sex, but seeing in ourselves what others see in us, sharing in the passion around us, drawing pleasure from life, and teaching ourselves and teaching others how we can respect ourselves and each other while exploring life freely. Which is in part what attracted me to her in the first place. That was what she offered. But then she developed feelings.

I wish all of these thoughts would have come clearer and faster. It would have lessened the confusion… but nothing good comes easy right?
But then that brings me to defining what is it that I actually want. Well, I’ve come up with this so far:

  • I want to continue to nurture and develop the beautiful love that my husband and I share.
  • I want to continue to be open to the world around me and be open to relationships with others.
  • I want to be honest and clear to any future partners for either of us that our relationship is the core and central pillar, and anything else we engage in together is only when it is mutually beneficial to all involved.
  • I want to encounter new people and find those sensual connections and explore new passions and fun.
  • I want to see the me others see and wear it outside myself proudly and accepting of who I am.
  • I want to give honesty and receive honesty.
  • I don’t want to hold anyone back, least of all myself.
  • I don’t want to just follow along like I so often do.
  • I don’t want to get caught up in other peoples emotions and forget the things that I truly want for me.
  • I don’t want to be cruel or harmful or be treated cruelly or brought harm upon myself either.
  • I don’t want to lessen the loving and trusting bond my husband and I have by allowing someone else to pull focus from either of us away from one another.
  • I don’t want to just casually hook up all the time either, but in situations when friends are all hanging out and moods are right, I don’t want to hold myself or my husband back from enjoyable experiences.
  • I don’t want to worry so much about what others think of me but rather what I think of myself.

This all seems such a turn around from my last post. I re-read it and feel strange about the place I was in when I wrote it. I don’t regret the things we were trying to do, but I also realize now that what I thought I wanted is different than that. I wish I hadn’t hurt anyone. It really wasn’t my intention. I try to really be honest about all of my feelings.

These feelings of fear about committing again to another person really began to persist in me and I don’t think I was prepared. Some of it came out the other day when I made a comment to her about flirting with someone at work. To be fair it was only a joke. I thought I could make this joke because she knew I found this person to be particularly attractive. She became a bit upset at me about it. I tried to explain my joking but the more I had to explain, the more I became annoyed that she would be so jealous. I felt like she met me as a married, non-monogamous and now here she was trying to tell me that I wasn’t supposed to have eyes for anyone but her, or my husband. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I didn’t want to be trapped.

Hopefully she still wants to be my friend. I value her opinions and company over most… I would hate to lose all of that. I want her to be truly happy and to have what she wants and deserves. I just don’t think I am the one who can give it to her. I guess we will just see what happens…

Acceptance

My partners and I have come to a really good place where we have been talking about futures and where we all fit in. We are secure and set on this unity we are building but one thing has been plaguing me. What will our collective families think?

My lady’s mom had a hard time when she came out as gay but has been very encouraging and even accommodating about the situation. My mother, I suspect, knows and is just with holding questions and or comments until I bring it up. I don’t think the idea is upsetting to her at all. My husband’s family might be a different story. While they aren’t religious they are fairly traditional and I worry about not being accepted or even shunned.
My husband says not to worry, we will take everything as it comes but I’m concerned nonetheless. We rent from his family and have had some recent disagreements with them. Currently I’ve been on the hunt for a new home. I don’t want to make waves until we are out of their house but it is getting harder and harder to justify why my gay friend is here all the time.
I’m also not sure how important acceptance is to me. I’ve always been a pleaser so instinctively I don’t want to outwardly do anything to alter perceptions of myself or my family but at the same time it’s getting harder and harder to hide my feelings and my true self. I hate to lie. I hate to not be true. And yet, in light of what we are attempting, I’m scared of backlash and ridicule.
I’m willing to go the distance with these two if they will have me and we can all work together but will it be at the
expense of some family? How much does that matter to me?

Oversharing, and trust.

I am, by nature, a very private person. It’s not that I am ashamed for who I am but rather I don’t trust that most people are able to handle all of my truths. This is very tough to navigate for me as honesty is a serious necessity. I feel the need to be honest at every turn.

Sometimes, however, my honesty gets the best of me and upsets the very private person inside. Case in point, I recently admitted my bi-attraction to a co-worker and found myself freaking out about such an admission and the repercussions it could cause.

I am sure most people simply don’t care, so why do I get worked up? It’s hard for me not to express and be myself to the fullest of my nature but at the same time I am plagued by a need to not only please but meet standards held against me.

I admitted to my girlfriend recently, that I envied her. She, as an out lesbian, has little to fear in the way of judgement, but I constantly fear the judgement upon myself. I have so much more to expose. Not only can I be attracted to both genders, but I am given the opportunity to do so within my marriage. Neither of these things are widely accepted.

Firstly, being bi. I feel like saying bi is not really the whole truth but there aren’t many other words to describe my complexity. It’s not simply about attraction to this gender or that, I just like people and can find sexual, mental, spiritual attraction to a variety of people. Many, especially in the gay communities want to shun or demonize the bi community because they “need to pick a side”. It’s not about sides. It’s about openness of spirit. I am simply not as restricted by gender attraction as homos or heteros. I like all beings, and am open to many possibilities. Is that so wrong?

Secondly, yes I am married. But I am not religious and do not fear persecution for my sins. I only hold myself accountable to my own standards and my husbands. It took many years for us to reach this point of acceptance. It didn’t happen over night or without some hesitation, intense discussion and sometimes argument. Ultimately, we have concluded that our relationship is the anchor upon which any other relationships can be built. We are solid and strong. There is honesty and full disclosure and trust between us. That leaves us free to truly explore who we are. I don’t want to ever hold him down from a beneficial connection or to be held back from one of my own. So with honesty and a steadiness of commitment to each other, we embark on this journey of discovery and adventure. I’m sure there will be bumps, but I am also sure that we will only grow stronger. Our love is forever.

Satisfaction and attraction

Some days I don’t think I will every be fully satisfied. I am happy. I am in love. I feel content.

But, that doesn’t mean I don’t have reaction to other people. I am attracted to a wide variety of people. Like most people I have types but really I become attracted to people by things deeps than just physical appearance.

There is a deeper buzz you can feel with people. Male or female, sometimes you feel this thing between you. Call it a spark, or electricity, or magnetism. Certain people cause reactions in me just by their presence.

I am able to keep most of this at bay but the truth is I am a terrible flirt and can hardly stand not to learn more about a person by conversing, and smiling, and getting a sense of their presence.

I am constantly learning things about myself… and I want to continue with my exploratory nature. I often wonder, however, if he were so inclined, would I be as ready to allow him exploration. I would like to think I would. But I just don’t know for sure…

Love by (bi) numbers.

I entered my thirties this year. As a woman, I’m in my prime right? I’ve been married for a little over a decade and I’ve been happy. I’m still happy… But I’m also finding myself.

I’ve learned recently that nothing goes the way you plan and even if you have things figured out, you can still be taken by surprise.

I’m bi and married to a hetero man. He accepts me. He has let me explore my sexuality while maintaining our marriage. I’ve had two girlfriends. One I’m seeing now and one I cut out of my life completely. There is no rule book for this sort of thing and sometimes I feel lost.

I’m not out, and that makes me feel somewhat insecure. My girlfriend is a fully out lesbian. She has no problem telling her friends about me and that I’m her girlfriend. I can’t talk to anyone. It’s not even the fact that I’m bi that I worry about. It’s more about other people’s perceptions of my marriage.

I think others will assume that since I am married and have a girlfriend then there must be some big flaw in my marriage. There isn’t. We are open and honest. My husband is my best friend and knows everything about me. Nothing is a secret. I didn’t seek out a second relationship, but an amazing person did find their way into our lives. In fact, my husband adores my girlfriend and they are becoming great friends. But I still find myself wondering if any of this is fair to either of them. They both assure me that they are comfortable but I’m waiting for the shoe to drop.

I’m mostly very private and have no friends besides them, with whom I discuss my relationships… Which is why I think I started this blog… As an outlet for my feelings while maintaining anonymity. I’m afraid my relationships could affect my work life, and give cause for other friends to feel uncomfortable so I just don’t share.

I hope any of you who read about my relationships and how I navigate them will not be to cruel. Maybe even some of you out there know what I’m going through and can relate.

I just wish I knew I wasn’t alone. I feel different but I’m not really. I love like anyone else… I’m just lucky enough to ┬áhave two people who love me and are willing to share my affections…

Is that so strange?